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Turns out he didn’t know about the time in eighth grade either. I’ll be working through some of this vicarious trauma with my therapist and spiritual director.
After we got home, I stayed awake thinking about this all night. It was NYE. I knew I needed Femunity. It has given me the opportunity to share this link with my sister, cousin and closest friend… which has helped me process some more.
Some thoughts:
Maybe my boyfriend needs to speak with his friend, the one from eighth grade. She’s a strong beautiful woman and this is her story. She trusted my boyfriend enough to share, and maybe they need to explore some of this together before my boyfriend will really be able to effectively engage with his guy friend.
Does my boyfriend even have the skills to engage with his guy friend? How do guys hold each other accountable? We’ve all seen so many examples where men can look the other way. My boyfriend is a righteous, good person. But, he does hate conflict. But, If there was no consent, then it was rape. Maybe I just need to keep discussing this with him, in non-personal ways.
My boyfriend had no idea about the incident with the other friend that happened in college. And after learning of it, he is now just beginning to realize the extent of the abuse.
My boyfriend comes back to our city tonight. I can’t wait to see him, and talk to him.
I’ve learned about inflammation recently, and how much inflammation affects our hormones. I’ve always scoffed a bit at people who eat gluten-free because I know how few people actually have the allergy to it, BUT, it’s not that gluten is actually the problem, it’s just our normal American diet eats gluten WAYYY out of moderation. And dairy too, which I love, is inflammatory. And meat… It sucks. But, diet really really affects my mood. My relationship with food hasn’t always been the most easy, I’ve been disorded for sure. But, “eating” my water has helped, most people are like really dehydrated. And I learned that “gel” water is super hydrating, so like, say if you’re feeling thirsty, eating a cucumber is WAY more hydrating than chugging a glass of water because of the nutrients. So starting my day with just an easy Spinach, water, some frozen fruit, green smoothie has really helped my mood actually, because it helps me get hydrated early (but I still forget to drink water enough at work during the day). As far as the gluten/dairy stuff, my discipline is shit, I just haven’t really made the decision to cut it out completely, but just being a little more intentional about eating less gluten and dairy probably has made an impact on overall inflammation in my diet, and therefore my hormones.
Also, therapy is awesome. I fear committment and haven’t been in a few years. But something my spirital director said once (she’s also a therapist), notice and feel, and then let it go. It helps to be able to recognize my emotions, makes it is little easier to get out of a mood… sometimes!
Therapists really do have the tools to help us understand our emotions and work with them.
I hate the feeling of not knowing exactly how my conversations went the night before. Like even if I didn’t black out, did I miss a cue that someone was uncomfortable or did I just say the wrong thing and not even really notice? Alcohol sucks. I get high too and that’s shitty for my body, too. I’ve considered going sober. I met someone this past year who was the most wonderful soul, he was a young husband and father. His family recognized there was a real problem with substance and he had a really good rehab experience. I definitely don’t have that privilege, or really like that type of addiction I guess? But, his sobriety was really inspiring. I met him back in the Fall and think about their family a lot. My boyfriend drinks a lot, he doesn’t get depressed or anxious like I do (sometimes it’s mid-party, sometimes its the next day). But even if he doesn’t get emotionally down, it’s not good for his body! Sucks that it’s such a part of our life. It would be really hard to be counter-cultural and sober. Thanks for helping me think about this tough stuff. Moderation I guess. When I get really blasted, oh yeah, my mind and body are messed up for days.
Also, you are beautiful, just the way you are, and it shines from your heart. Forgive yourself when you let self hate creep into your heart.
Doing the work of actually going to therapy, something I have not been able to commit to, has helped my friends.
I pray you find peace <3
I struggle with negative self talk, too. One simple step I learned is just to recognize it, and name it. Once I do that, I can usually find a way to stop and not let it snowball. If I’m drunk or high though, I usually struggle to not let it get out of control… Once you recognize it, say, “I will not speak badly of myself.” or “I love myself” or “I am a good person”. Even if it doesn’t feel true at the moment, the words usually help me. Personally, I also found my way back to Catholic prayer tradition, so sometimes when it’s really bad, I’ll say a Hail Mary and usually find peace pretty soon.
I don’t know how to break the habit though. Maybe just practice.
Thank you for sharing, Hannah. I had an experience over the holiday where I literally the spent whole night thinking and sitting in the dread of self hate, and I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing until your post helped me see.