Tonight, as I sit, in my bed reading this post – I am feel you and John sitting right next to me. And while, I haven’t, gratefully, felt this pain yet in my life I know that these words transfer to other forms of grief and healing.
When C was diagnosed, I immediately felt “cool.” It sounds sick but I had friends back, I had people checking in on my every move and I felt that cocoon-like atmosphere that you write about so beautifully. And when she received her first scan after treatment, I felt it again and the next day, it seemed to disappear.
I think something I’ve learned or am learning is that something in me needs that cocoon-like world. It was were I felt safe. Maybe for the first time in my life. In a very scary place, I felt safe. I believe that only people who have experienced grief of this degree would understand.
Your words helped me sleep tonight and I also thought “WHERE the hell is the pancreas??”